MOUNTAIN: Pyramid Peak (14,018’)
ROUTE: Northeast Ridge (Standard)
RT MILEAGE: 8 miles
RT DISTANCE: 4,500’
RT TIME POSTED TO USER CLIMB TIMES: 5:09:13
ACTUAL RT TIME: 8.5 hours (4 hours to summit, 1 hour on summit, 3.5 hours down)
LADIES' PHONE NUMBERS RECEIVED: 17
CLIMBERS: WDavis (Will), SurfNTurf (Jeff)
Me looking kool.
When Will invited me on his Pyramid Peak* 2012 expedition, I was partying in the downtown Denver club that you probably can’t get into. VIP only. I was eventually able to peel my harem off me long enough to text back, “LOL OK BRO!!!!!!!” The main reason was I needed a new Facebook profile photo. I threw a few $100 dollar bills in the air and departed to pack.
For those of you who are familiar with Pyramid Peak, it was vastly inferior to my ability level. Take that with a grain of salt though because I top-roped in Castlewood Canyon once. I’m a supreme freaking badass. It might be Class 4 for others but I’d call it Class 1+. For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, it’s probably 5.14c and I free-soloed a new first ascent route. Peep my Facebook album yo!!!!!!
I met Will aka Will.I.Am aka the Texas Machine aka Jorts Guy aka The Revelation at the T-Rex Lot at 2 a.m. Monday morning. Driving through Glenwood Canyon while so tired you’re borderline hallucinating is an interesting experience, but I cranked up my dubstep tunes and that made it kool.
To my extreme disappointment there were only a half-dozen tourists around Maroon Lake when we set out at 5:45 a.m. They were too busy taking pictures of alpenglow on the Bells to even really notice us. They must not have known who we were. The trail goes right around the lake and before we knew it we were at the turnoff for Pyramid. I was cold so I ran real quick to Crater Lake and started a bonfire in a small fire ring. Once I was warm I threw a few more logs on the pile so others could enjoy the fire later and headed back to the Pyramid trail.
Alpenglow on the Bells, ~5:45 a.m. (photo by Will).
Turnoff for Pyramid trail (taken on descent).
The elevation gain began in earnest. The trail is darn steep, but it’s newly constructed and a breeze. Will and I passed a guy because we’re basically Ueli Steck on steroids. Pyramid came into view and before long we were in the amphitheater. I took a few photos of myself flexing and sent it to my ex-girlfriends with the caption “bet u miss this lol.”
The standard trail is still buried under snow, and except for the ice axes we brought solely for tourists to think we were badass, we were unequipped for that. We stayed on the talus to the left without much trouble. We eventually reached the loveable gully we nicknamed “The Pharaoh’s %*^@!,” which might give you trouble because it’s loose, steep and covered in scree. For us though it was an easy day for a lady. About 1,100’ later we were on the 13k saddle and examining the upper route. I stared it down and screamed, “I. AM. SURFNTURF.” The mountain trembled.
Will looks up at the completely underwhelming Pyramid.
The mountain I conquered and bagged, from the amphitheater.
The Pharaoh's &^%$#@! (taken on descent).
First look at the upper "difficulties." Class 1+.
The sometimes hard-to-see trail winds around the right side of the ridge until about 13,200’ before cutting over to the left. The famous features appear quickly. The Leap of Faith is almost immediate and leads right into the Cliff Traverse. I moonwalked across and had Will take an iPhone photo to upload immediately to the 14ers.com Facebook group.
Leap of Faith.
Leap of Faith exposure.
Cliff Traverse and exposure.
Will being rad and dominating.
The Class 2+ trail gets better cairned after the Cliff Traverse. I wrote on each one with a Sharpie that said “SURFNTURF WUZ HERE 6/25/12.” A few minutes later we were at the base of the Green Wall. It’s over before it really begins; we were exiting after only 200’ or 300’. We continued to follow a cairned route around left and it began zig-zagging up. With careful route-finding we were able to keep the entire thing Class 3 except for three or four harder Class 6+ moves. I almost got scared once until I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes.
“Keep pimpin keep pimpin keep pimpin keep pimpin” – Lil Wayne
Entrance to Green Wall.
Will free-soloing 5.14c.
Looking up the Green Wall and the exit point.
Why We Climb (kool photoz).
Me looking pimp (photo by Will).
Will nears the summit.
Final hundred feet. Pyramid is shaking in its boots.
Finally, Pyramid yielded to the inevitable and we conquered it. I stomped on the summit marker so it would know I’m the boss. I wasted little time tweeting “JUST BAGGED PYRAMID LOL EZ DAY 4 A LADY.” A goat joined us at the top. Will tried to jump on its back so I could take GoPro footage of him singing the following:
“I'm on a goat, I'm on a goat
Everybody look at me
'Cause I'm riding on a goat
I'm on a goat, I'm on a goat
Take a good hard look
At the mother%^*&ing goat!”
The Bells looked beautiful. I dropped my pants so they could see how huge my balls are and know that I am coming for them. Will unpacked the stereo and we proceeded to have a dance party at 14,018’, which was the first dance party ever on a 14er and there’s no disputing that. Screw the haterz. I AM LIVING LIFE AND I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS.
Maroon Bells from summit (photo by Will).
Bells, Snowmass and Capitol.
Cathedral, Conundrum and Castle.
Me wondering how many ladies will "Like" this photo on Facebook.
Me looking sexy (photo by Will).
Conquererz (photo by Will's camera).
The descent takes almost as long as the climb. I trundled some rocks down the Green Wall because I like to watch them roll and make noise. It makes me feel powerful like a Thunder God. Will took pics of me trundling rocks on purpose for Facebook. LOL!!!!
Eventually we made it back to the Pharaoh’s &^%$#@! and descending it was probably the crux of the route. However because I had conquered Pyramid it was now my bitch. I commanded it to send me wind, which I used to float like a feather back down to the amphitheater.
Me trying to pose for a cool photo to upload to User Pics.
Will about to re-enter the Green Wall.
Looking down lol so easy.
Good look at Pyramid's upper reaches.
Me totally not afraid of exposure (looking kool).
Route back to the saddle. The hiking begins again, so no more kool photos.
Back on the trail, the walk out was quick. We finally began passing a ton of tourists, who we shoved out of the way because %$^& tourists. I did show a lady or two my ice ax and told them I’d climbed a technical ice route with an equal difficulty rating to K2. Once back at the car we basked for a while in the parking lot. We’d stashed a rope and crampons in the trunk, which we now placed on the ground to “dry” and draw attention.
When we finally packed up we went straight to the nearest coffee shop in Aspen to upload pics to Facebook. I drove home fairly tired but fueled by the never-ending stream of comments from my devotees.
*If for some reason you couldn't figure it out, except for the route beta this entire report was satire.