Survivor Guilt & Moving On

[d_baker]

WARNING: What you're about to read may be graphic to some. This is being posted to show that accidents happen so fast, and regardless of what decisions were made beforehand, the after effects are long lasting and there is something called survivor guilt. But life will go on and things will get better with time; the memory is long lasting, but in time it's not as harsh. If I could go back and change a few decisions from this day, I would in a second. But I can't, so I've had to move on, as did my other friends that were with me.


In June of 2008, I was in a party of 6 as we ascended the E gully on Crestone Needle. This was my fourth time going up the Needle, and second time ascending the E gully. Near the top of the gully, one can join the W gully route.
The previous time I did this route (in '07), I scrambled up a steeper wall that is immediately to climber's right of the W gully just above the convergence of the two routes. I found the wall to be a steep, solid, & fun line, that runs for about 15-20' then ends on a ledge that upon reaching, you can step to the left a few feet and be in the W gully.

On that day in June of 2008, I went right back to that wall because it was fun! My five climbing partners all kind of picked their own line. Linda, who had done all of the 14ers already, came up to the start of the line I chose, and looked up and asked if she could do it.
I'm not sure if she was asking if it was ok for her to do it (this was a CMC trip, and I was the leader), or if it was within her ability. I thought it was within her ability. (More on that thought later in this story.)
I told her she could either exit climber's left from where she was, because at that point you can join the W gully by simply walking to it, or, she could climb the wall but take her time and test her holds.
She decided to come up the line.

As I stood on the ledge I wrote about above, I was looking down and watching everyone scramble their chosen line. I was looking down at Linda's helmet as she was coming up. Then she popped off.
She went head over heals, several times, then landed on a lower ledge and proceeded to roll farther down the gully.
Most of us saw this happening, some after the fall started. I saw it all. It is the most horrific thing I've ever seen and hope to never see again.
Before Linda's fall, she didn't say anything to indicate there was a problem. The fall was that quick, and she never made a sound during the fall. I think she was probably killed instantly because the first hit was so forceful that her helmet came off. The subsequent hits were just as hard.

After she came to a stop, we all communicated to one another as to what we were going to do. I was going to descend to her, and I asked one of my partners to come assist me, as he was a SAR-in-training member & also knew First Aid/CPR.
Two others went to the summit to get cell service (we were probably ~100' vert from the top).

When I approached her, there was no sign of life. She wasn't breathing, no pulse, and blood was coming from her skull.
Bill and I still turned her over on a ledge and attempted CPR, because that is what we were trained to do, and, we couldn't just give up and not try.
I don't know how long we tried, but Bill realized she was gone.

Then I lost it. Emotionally. Physically. This was not how the day was supposed to go.
"Linda, I'm so sorry" is all I could say over and over. My friend Lisa told me not to blame myself, because that is how it was sounding as I said I was sorry.
I was sorry. I felt guilty. I thought it was my fault because she followed me. She didn't have to. She could have taken the easy line out.

But that's survivor's guilt. Or at least how I know it.
Was she "inspired" to climb the harder line?
Was she "pressured" to climb the harder line because everyone else was taking alternative lines?
Did I set a bad example? I've had a history of taking unnecessary risks.
Should I have told her no, you should go to your left on that trail?
But I thought she could do it. She rock climbed after work with many of us. She'd climbed all of the 14ers, likely by their standard routes, and even "finished" on a solo trip up Capitol.
So yeah, I think she was probably capable.

However, afterwards I often wondered maybe she had never increased her risk like that while carrying a pack, unroped, on a wall that wasn't necessary to climb. She had been near sea level earlier in the week for work, so maybe the altitude was an issue for her that morning. Maybe she was panicking and made a desperate move before falling. Maybe a foot slipped and her hands were not secure enough to hold her.
I'll never know.

What I know is that for days later, I would sob uncontrollably and was depressed and thought everyone was looking at me differently. Although I had nothing but outpouring support from friends that knew me well, even those that only knew me briefly in classes with the CMC.
Members of this site, folks that I had never met, even sent me kind pm's with their regards.
But it was still hard. I went to some counseling sessions, one with my climbing partners that day as a group session, and another session one on one with a counselor.
Those helped.

One thing that helped a lot was going out on a couloir climb the following weekend from the accident. I went with a less experienced climber. I let him do the leading as to what line we took near the top, as there's options for steep or less steep. I didn't want to influence the decision. His trust in me that day to have me as a partner helped me tremendously to move forward.

Three weeks after the accident, I returned to Crestone Needle for closure. I went with a friend that had not been up the Needle before. She was the perfect partner that day. Patient. Needed just enough "support" from me to help her in spots, but really, she was much bigger help to me for supporting me as we went through the fall area where Linda died.

Hard days & weekends still followed; it was hard for me for quite some time to watch others scramble without getting nervous as to what I "might see" and I would have to look away.

Where or how to end this story? That part is always hard, the ending. I'm not sure what more to say, other than try to understand, or put yourself in someone else's shoes that may have gone through a traumatic experience, and just think about what it might take to get through it. You don't know unless you've experienced it. Past decisions can't be changed, only future ones.

[Scott P]

So sad. I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I don't know the guilt ever goes away.

Something somewhat similar happened to me, but my friend didn't die, but is on O2 and learning to walk again, three years later. He was one of the best climbers I know and seemed almost super human to me.

I already posted the story on the other thread, so I won't post it here but the guilt is still extremely difficult to bare at times. I even feel more guilty by having a hard time with this because I feel that I shouldn't have a hard time with this since it wasn't my life that was forever changed for the worse.

Thanks for talking about this. It's hard to talk about sometimes.

I think we all deal with it differently. For me, always try to find out what causes climbing accidents and to try to make sense of them. I guess its all futile though as knowing what happened doesn't change what happened.

I don't think the guilt ever goes away. Thanks so much for posting this. If you ever want someone to talk to privately about this, feel free to email or PM me anytime.

[rpdawes]

Your tragic story touches my heart, but I am glad that you finally have moved on. Keep climbing! That's what Linda wanted you to continue.

[glenmiz]

Hearing about this terrible tragedy as you've shared it, hopefully, will help us focus on trying to mitigate the inherent risk while doing what we love.

Thanks for talking about it.

[jsdratm]

I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you and it definitely wasn't your fault. I have also led CMC trips as a volunteer and I have had people get minor injuries that made me feel guilty, but never anything close to what you experienced.

[polar]

One thing that helped a lot was going out on a couloir climb the following weekend from the accident. I went with a less experienced climber. I let him do the leading as to what line we took near the top, as there's options for steep or less steep. I didn't want to influence the decision.

Darin,

It must be tremendously difficult for you to post this story. So please understand my post is in no way to criticize you or your actions. I know your story is to remind people not to be too harsh on the young climber who just lost his partner in the other thread. Both you and the young man in the other thread have my sympathies for being so close to an accident in the mountains where someone lost their lives.

I do want to point out the quoted words above is also an important lesson to the hiking community, a point most of us probably haven't considered. I think many are too quick to offer encouragement such as "you can do it!" to others, without really considering if that's actually true or not. I'm not saying that's what you did, from your description, it sounded like you offered options to Linda, rather than simply encouraged her. For what it's worth now, I don't think you did any wrong. But I'm sure you've already gone over this in your head countless times over the years.

Most of us want to be supportive, want to encourage others. When others question whether they can do something they think is difficult, it's the social norm for us to say "you can do this!" But I've always thought that in the outdoors, a blanket encouragement like that could be a dangerous thing. As humans, we tend to take more risks when we are in a group, especially if we are with people we trust. With just a little bit of encouragement from people we trust, it is very easy for someone to push themselves on something that they probably would not have attempted if they were making the decision on their own. Pushing themselves to try hard may be a good thing if it is actually something within their limit, but it is also entirely possible that they're pushing dangerously beyond their abilities.

So for anyone who takes on the role of a more experienced partner, before we say things like "you can do it", we need to stop and think if that's actually a true assessment of the situation. And for anyone who's going out with a group or with a more experienced partner, keep in mind that you are the only person who knows your limit and your ability the best, more than anyone else (however experienced they are). Make your own assessment of the situation, don't blindly push on because people tell you "you can do it".
I had this discussion a couple of years ago, but I don't think I got my point across very well.

Again, not meant to criticize your actions or to analyze Linda's decision making, but really to highlight an important lesson you've learned that should be passed on to more people.

[Mtnman200]

Thanks for sharing your story, Darin. That couldn't have been easy to write.

[d_baker]

Again, not meant to criticize your actions or to analyze Linda's decision making, but really to highlight an important lesson you've learned that should be passed on to more people.

Heuristic Traps is something I came to think about a lot after the accident.

[bmcqueen]

Thanks for sharing Darin. As you saw in my note to Brandon the other day, I've been thinking a lot about survivor's guilt also. Every time I look at Melissa's feet, I have a flashback and my guilt comes back to the surface. I'm just thankful she's still willing to be married to me so that I get to see them often. You talk about going back to the Needle for closure. My strong instinct was to go right back to Evans. It's weird how your mind wants a "redo". But as you said, those things are in the past and all we can change is the future.

Two weeks ago when I went back to the Snowmass area for the first time since my friend died there, I flashed back to my Friday phone conversation with him asking me for advice on the route. He would attempt a shortcut down the following day and perish. Oh, if only I could go back to that phone call and tell him to stay on the route and not get cute!

It's a real thing for sure. I hope that Brandon, his family or friends are following along in some of these threads. I empathize with the young man. It has to be tough for him right now. I hope that he will reach out to others in this incredibly supportive community rather than go it alone.

I also appreciate Polar's comments. It is a good point and I would say I'm guilty of the "you can do it!" trap. I usually find myself on the more experienced end of things when I'm out with others these days. I will pay more attention to the balance between encouragement and realism, recognizing that my words matter to someone. When I first made partner in my firm, my CEO pulled me aside and said, "Now that you're a partner, you need to be thoughtful in what you say. The thing is, people will believe you." As the experienced person in a group, the same is true - our less experienced partners have the potential to override their own better judgment because of our words.

Thanks again for sharing Darin.

[JA_son27]

Thank you for sharing.

[Phill the Thrill]

Darin:

Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of strength to overcome and move beyond an experience like that. I can only imagine how difficult that was for you and others who were there.

[lodgling]

OP, thank you for the depth and timing of your post. I am sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how difficult it is for those that have lost partners, whatever the circumstances. My near misses over the years are never far from my thoughts. Hopefully this community can provide support to climbers left behind by tragedy.